Failing the Bechdel Test

Failing the Bechdel Test

The Bechdel Test is a feminist measure to see if two female characters could interact by communicating about something other than men and their romantic relationships. I’ve seen it mostly used to analyze pop culture: movies, TV, books, plays, etc. It’s amazing how many things fail at this task—like this post! 

Dating makes me feel like my life would not pass the Bechdel Test. Everyone is always asking “So, have you met anyone yet?” or “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?” I cannot talk about that all the time. Therefore, I will attempt to talk about relationships once, and never again. I don’t like to brag, but I am an expert on relationships; I studied psychology and I’ve seen a lot of rom-coms. Clearly, I’m qualified to give advice, so read on!

But firstly, let me put myself in my place: I am a straight, cisgender female. I apologize for the narrowness of my view, but I think it’s best to only generalize my own experiences. Additionally, as these are lessons learned from my own life, the “I” statements are implied in the little mantras I’ve created.

Without further ado, here are the kernels of wisdom I have developed over the years:

Never trust a self proclaimed “nice guy”

Plenty of men are jerks. Yeah, yeah, some are alright too, I guess. But the ones that go out of their way to be the “nice guy” are the worst sort of jerk. If a guy is nice, his actions will speak for themselves without him having to put on a persona. Reality is, anyone you open up to has the ability to hurt you, nice or not. But when a “nice guy” hurts you, it feels worse because you were convinced that he wasn’t the type of person who would ever do something like that to you. 

Men and women can’t be friends

I am aware that this is the 21st century, however, this classic rule from “When Harry Met Sally” has a good point. (Check out the movie scene here) Sure, there are some exceptions. I haven’t experienced any, but I’m sure some girl can lie to me about how she’s not attracted her best friend who just happens to be a guy. Generally, when straight men and women are friends, there are usually some side conditions based on the premise that one likes the other. Every male friend I have ever had either liked me, or I liked him. Sometimes it’s both, but never at the same time. Simultaneous attraction would be too easy, and where’s the fun in that? Yes, men and women can be friends, but the friendship will probably hurt one more than the other with unrequited feelings. 

You are the rule, not the exception (until further notice)

This sentiment may look familiar from the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and you’re right. (You can check out the scenes from the movie where the rule is introduced here, and further explained here) The basic premise is that there are general rules to dating: if someone cheats on you, they don’t care about you; if someone doesn’t call you back, they don't want to see you; if someone acts like they don’t care about you, they don’t. A lot of times, people think that these general rules do not apply to them when they really want a relationship to work with someone when it clearly isn’t working. Overall, it’s not too complicated: you shouldn't have to make excuses and/or justifications for how someone treats you.

“Same taste in wine, different taste in men”

When my best friend and I figured out that we have very different ‘types,’ we considered ourselves really lucky. We joke about the above manta a lot, but it really does make for a healthy friendship so we can easily support each other over relationship struggles. Relationships are already complicated; they don’t need to be messier by having it be a conflict among friends. My rule of sisterhood is that you shouldn’t talk down another girl every, but especially to make yourself look better to a guy. To reiterate the words of Madeline Albright, “There is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women.”

Relationships should be easy in the beginning

My own mother did not give me preachy advice about relationships, but she always would tell me this phrase. It’s so simple, yet so effective. In the beginning, it should be a mutual feeling of interest and dedication; you both want to be happy and make the other happy. Naturally, most couples eventually have some issues and arguments to work through, but that trouble takes place sometime down the line. In a relationship where you never seem to know where you stand with each other right from the beginning, it probably won't last long. 


Good luck dating! But remember, your life is defined by more than your romantic relationships; your autobiography should pass the Bechdel Test!